Awesome Audi

I know a lot of people would whoop with joy at the opportunity of taking three of Audi’s newest, fastest and sportiest cars around a race track as death-defyingly quickly as they liked, pushing the limits of both their and the cars’ abilities and scaring the you-know-what out of themselves and their co-drivers.

But I am not one of those people. So, to be honest, my invitation to test-drive the Audi RS range at Killarney did not fill me with joy. And it took one look at the 20 hard-core male motoring journos champing at the bit to get behind the wheel of these powerful machines to turn that lack of enthusiasm into abject terror.

Don’t get me wrong: I like a luxury automobile, and I thoroughly enjoy putting foot on open stretches of road and hearing my lovely car’s engine do what it was designed to do, but that is where my infatuation with speed ends.

So, before I even lowered myself into the beautiful-smelling and crazy-sexy interior of the RS 5, my knees were like jelly, and I was praying to whatever Gods were in earshot of this hot, loud racetrack, brimming with testosterone, to deliver me safely back to my comfort zone of events that involve talks about the merits of extra-lash-lengthening mascara.

But this was not to be. Because, before I could say ‘you know what, I’ll just hang out in the Audi lounge and let the boys play’, I was sitting beside a crazy man otherwise known as an Audi Advanced Driving Instructor who was about to show me, the whimpering blonde, the meaning of Vorsprung durch Technik.

He drove fast. Really fast. While I clung onto the upholstery with my nails and tried not to look out of the window. When the lap of hell finally ended, I had decided that that was all I needed to know about these lovely cars (no, really), and that I had plenty enough to write about already.

Nowhere to Run

Only, that was not to be. While one instructor held my head down to prevent my imminent escape, another fastened my seat-belt and a third slipped the car into ‘drive.’ I really had no choice but to take the damn thing around the track myself.

Lap one, I’ll admit was tragic, but the instructor was patient, and gently managed to convince me that this car could handle a corner at more than 10kms per hour. It took me about five pitiful laps (with the other, real journalists screeching past me and, frankly, showing off) before I started to relax and enjoy the experience of being behind the wheel of a car so gloriously manufactured, so brilliantly engineered that even a total wuss (like me) felt confident enough to put my foot flat down on the open stretches, hear the engine roar and know that it would take that bend like it was glued to the road.

At risk of overusing the word ‘sexy’ (I’m a COSMO girl, okay?), it really is the most fitting adjective for the R S range. These cars give you come-hither looks like it’s nobody’s business. And I’m so glad I obliged, because, truly, admiring their sleek, stylishness exterior –  which has been ‘aggroed up’ with things called xenon plus headlights, cool, flared front fender megafties, alloy-look wing mirrors and prominent side thingies call ‘sills’ – is nothing compared to feeling their incredible power first-hand and experiencing their unparalleled road-handling yourself.

The RS5 proved a firm favourite amongst all of us – even the boys preferred it to the super-sporty RS3 and TT for the simple reason that it’s the best driving experience, combining the power of the 4.2 litre V-8 engine with the comfort of beautifully gentle suspension.

Sportiness and Luxury

As the instructor explained, Audi has provided something called the ‘drive select driving dynamics system’ as standard for RS5. Sounds technical, but all this means is that you as the driver can select between three modes: comfort, auto, and dynamic, depending on how chilled or hooligan-juice you’re feeling on any given day. Audi drive select can also change the sound of the exhaust system (so you can sound extra vroomy when you cruise past the café strip).

The interior of the RS range is all about combining sportiness with luxury and the standard, adjustable sports seats with integrated headrests are available in either black leather or Alcantara. Otherwise, the inside is sleek, stylish and – have I used this word already? – very, very sexy. This is definitely a car you want to hang out in. And take your friends out in. And, frankly, live in.

It’s surprising, given the Sportback’s performance flagship status, that it only comes in the wagon-like guise and not in the racier three-door shape. But then, more space for shopping bags and girlfriends, so who’s complaining? Despite its practical shape, this car flies. The RS 3 rides on lowered sport suspension, sitting on massive 19-inch alloys with 235/35 rubber on the front and 225/35 on the back.

The brakes have been beefed up too, with 370mm internally ventilated discs up front and 310mm anchors at the rear. Good to know that stopping won’t be a problem. While it’s definitely the car batman would choose, the suspension is a teeny bit hard, and you definitely feel the road beneath you. But, for hard-core driving enthusiasts, this is all part of the fun. Oh, and you can also adjust a flap on the exhaust to make it growl more loudly. In case nobody noticed you first time round (unlikely).

Women Drivers

After a while, and with the guidance of the instructor, I started to get the hang of the race-track – when to stop braking as you approach the bend, which side of the road to stick to, and when it’s safe to put your foot down flat. While I was terrified pretty much throughout, it was a major kick and I surprised myself by being genuinely sorry when the last lap was called and it was time to give these beauties a rest and calm myself down with a Red Bull. I was almost even talked into doing an advanced driving course myself.

Tertius de Lange, one of Audi’s driving instructors explained to me over lunch that women actually make better advanced drivers than men for two simple reasons: we don’t have huge egos which means that we actually listen to the instructor and learn, and secondly, we don’t ‘fight’ with the cars, like men do; instead, we have a gentler touch, letting the cars do their thing without too much interference. Which, personally, made a lot of sense.

Audis have always been gorgeous cars, but the R S range is pretty special. While the changes to the exterior are subtle, they make a big difference to its overall look – and, when it comes to what women go for in a vehicle, this counts for a lot. I’m no motoring expert, but I was blown away by how well they handled as they were put through their paces on that track in no uncertain terms.

If you’re looking for a car that’s spacious, comfortable to drive and has all the bells and whistles of a rock-star speedster, the RS 5 is your girl. But you’ll have to write a very, very nice letter to Father Christmas.